Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll
by myjusticecake
Summary: That one where Team Free Will is a band.
1. Chapter 1

That one where Team Free Will is a band.

August 10, 2012

.com

Hey guys! Becky here.

Okay so everyone has heard about the Tweet Heard Round the World by now. I can't believe that some of you had unfollowed VoiceofFW! Anyway, I thought, given the news, that this would be a good time to repost the History of Free Will essay I wrote last year. The one that linked to. OMG, remember that, it nearly crashed the page.

Anyway. Here it is, to remind us all why we love the boys, and why they NEED to get back together and do more shows so that I can buy more backstage passes. LOL!

Free Will started in a garage in Lawrence, Kansas, three skinny teenagers in faded Metallica and Led Zeppelin tees. Dean had his dad's '67 Gibson Flying V, Sam had a piece of shit Chinese Fender knock-off base, and Ash was banging the shit out of some drums his aunt had given him for Christmas. They'd been jamming for a couple of months before Dean pulled out a swatch of folded, scribbled-on paper and tossed it on one of the toms.

"Like it was nothing important," Sam said once in an interview with Rolling Stone. "Like it wasn't killing him inside, waiting to find out what we thought."

It was the rough draft of what became "White Lady," the first single from their first album, _Family Business._

John and Mary Winchester were both active in the music scene in the early seventies, he a guitarist for a series of bands that made one record and then busted up, she a rising folk star as the lead vocals for The Campbells. They got married, he opened a garage, and she gave up the life to raise their family. Mary died young, in a house fire not long after Sam was born, and John raised the boys with the help of friends, most of whom were old rock and rollers from his glory days. They grew up steeped in music, the culture and the lore and the love of it.

When Free Will started gigging, they played mostly covers, in bars and clubs that Sam was technically too young to enter. John booked them into all his old haunts, rubbed shoulders with his friends at the bar and bragged about his boys to everyone who would listen. It was Sam who pushed for them to play their own songs, to book venues with younger crowds, to have an online presence and develop their sound.

Dean never likes to talk about his father, but it's clear that it was the rift between John and Sam's musical sensibilities that drove Sam to hang up his guitar and head for college. John stepped in on bass. Dean never protested. But they did start playing more original songs, mostly stuff that Sam and Dean had written together. _Family Business_ was released on the Az Records label in 2004, a solid rock album that got some national attention. John turned the garage over to his business partner and they went on tour.

It was a disaster from the start. John's alcoholism blossomed on the road. He fell off the stage in Topeka. He wrecked the tour van in Seattle. When they hit San Francisco, he disappeared on a three-day bender, leaving Free Will without a bassist. Dean showed up in Sam's dorm room and begged him for an assist, for old times' sake.

The show at Bottom of the Hill is legend now, the show where Bobby Singer discovered the Winchesters, the show where Dean and Sam rocked so hard the second act refused to go on, the show where history was made.

And yes, I was there.


	2. Chapter 2

We all know the story about the Lost Album, the one where John is credited on all the songs and only actually played on three, the one that sat in the vaults of Az Records until 2010, the one with the version of "Lost So Lost" that has Sam's voice in the background saying _hey Jess, this one is for you_. Ash left halfway through, replaced by Jo Harvelle, daughter of Will Harvelle, lead singer of Hunter, the one band that John Winchester played with who might have gone somewhere, were it not for Will's death by cocaine overdose. Jo lasted til the album was done, and then left herself, becoming the only Free Will drummer who never toured with the band. Jessica Moore, Sam's girlfriend, died of smoke inhalation in a fire in her and Sam's apartment three weeks after the album was done. John Winchester died of drowning in his bathtub in the Hilton penthouse suite he shared with Dean eight days later. There was no tour to promote the album. There was no band to do the tour, and so Damon Zhel refused to release the album. It had a name, but Ash and Jo never knew what it was. Neither Sam nor Dean has ever said. Dean only gives his famous fuck-you grin when people ask. Sam's been known to walk out of interviews if it's brought up.

It came out after they'd buried John that he'd signed over his rights to the existing Free Will songbook to Zhel for an undisclosed sum of money. Zhel squatted on the rights like a toad on a rock, demanding that Sam and Dean do the tour they owed him. Singer was ready to do battle for them but, instead, they cut their losses, moved to L.A., and grieved their way through writing _Hard Road, _their first real collaborative project, the album where "Dean's voice, Sammy's words" became their solidified m.o. Singer found them Lisa Braedon to drum and Madison Kurt to take on second guitar and cut them a deal with Virgin. "Sold It All" hit the charts at number twenty-six and climbed like a rocket. _Hard Road_ went platinum, the band went on the road, and they were abruptly "rich as hell and famous as shit," as Dean once put it.

They weren't ready for it.


	3. Chapter 3

Alcoholism runs in families, and right from the start Dean was a party man. His drinking, like his dad's, became more of a problem on the road, and he and Sam fought about it, privately and in public. Dean kept it together on stage, though, never missed a show, always giving it everything he had. They sold out everywhere they went, and Singer extended the tour into Canada. They went on writing as they traveled, and began trying out the new material. Whatever their disagreements offstage, when they were on, they were absolutely on, a team, together in the music in a way that is hard to describe. In Toronto, they performed "Ashes" for the first time to a dead-silent crowd, Dean throwing the lyrics out, aching and throbbing at the very top of his range, _you left me here in this fire, burning, burning_, and when they were done, Sam dropped his bass on the stage, walked forward, and grabbed Dean into a hug, both of them crying.

A lot of people call this period the best of Free Will, and I understand why. They were young, and grieving, and they didn't know how not to be naked, either in their art, or their lives. Later, when they became more private, it felt like a bit of a betrayal, like they didn't trust us anymore. The music of _Hard Road_ and _Dogs_is confessional, raw, and you can hear it in Dean's voice when he sings it that he's damaged and trying to figure out how to heal.

They took six weeks off to record _Dogs_, it released two months later, and they went touring all over again.

Sam didn't want to. He lobbied with Singer to get Dean some help, but Dean brushed them off. He'd moved in with Lisa during the three months they were in L.A., and seemed a bit more stable. No DUI's, no expulsions from nightclubs, but Sam was unconvinced, and the road proved him right.

Six cities in, Dean and Lisa had a screaming fight that resulted in hotel security being called, and then the police, after Dean hit the guy who was trying to calm him down. Lisa left, and the show in Minneapolis was almost cancelled, but Singer called in a favour from an old friend and Rufus Turner sat in for three shows. Having a legend on the stage with them seemed to settle Dean down a bit.

But then Rufus left, Singer slotted in Tessa Mort, and she and Dean immediately fell into bed together. Madison was diagnosed with Lupus and had to be hospitalized. John Corbett came in on second guitar, and Dean immediately fell into bed with _him_. On stage things were a bit of a mess, too many new band members in too short a time, trying to learn the sets while performing them. Off stage it was worse, Dean sleeping with Tessa and Corbett and fans and anyone he could, while Sam tried desperately to hold things together.

It all went to hell in Seattle. Dean tripped over a cord during the second set, fell into a light, and sliced up his hands and chest. When Sam tried to pick him up, Dean hit him. There's Youtube footage of it, blurry and indistinct, but you can see Sam jerk backward, you can hear Corbett shouting _Dean, no_! Dean falls over again, covered in blood and then the backstage crew are there, carrying him off.

The end of the tour was cancelled, Dean went into rehab, and no one knew whether Free Will was ever going to play again.


	4. Chapter 4

Dean was in Promises for a month, came out, crashed his car into the side of his house, and then let Singer pour him onto a plane to the Caribbean. He was at Crossroads for twenty-nine days, came out dry, and returned home, ready to put Free Will back together.

With him came Castiel Novak, a classically trained pianist and vocalist, about the most unlikely addition to a group like Free Will that could be imagined. Whether Dean met him in rehab or just on the island has never been entirely clear, but he overcame Singer's initial hesitation quickly. Sam was welcoming from the start, speaking enthusiastically about Cas to _Clash_ magazine just after they'd gone into the studio to start recording_ Righteous Man_. Gabriel Laufreysson, previously the drummer for Trickster, and someone that had butted heads with Sam and Dean several times in the media, surprised everyone when he tweeted that he was joining the band. #teamfreewill, the hashtag he coined for the occasion, trended almost immediately.

_Righteous Man _took longer than any of the previous albums to record, partly because they were working out their new sound, partly because Sam continued work on the side project he'd begun while Dean had been away. He was cagey and secretive about it, saying only that it was, "different from Free Will, a different direction entirely. Free Will's still my main focus, absolutely. But you gotta stretch yourself creatively or you start to stagnate, and this is something I really feel I have to pursue."

_Righteous Man_ was six months in the making, a concept album featuring fourteen tracks and a bonus secret track at the end, ranging from Free Will's traditional classic rock sound to epic ballads with full orchestral accompaniment to quiet, introspective songs. "I Looked For You" is just Dean's voice and Sam on acoustic guitar.

Some people like to "blame" Cas for the change in Free Will's sound, but I tend to think that it was an inevitable evolution. Sam and Dean were simply not those kids in a garage anymore and, though it's clear to see Cas' classical influence on many of the songs, on the whole Dean's voice and Sam's words still drive the album. Critics were split on whether they liked it or not, but it went double platinum in a month, "Perdition" and "Smoke and Wings" were on heavy rotation on the radio, and the boys were on the covers of_ Rolling Stone, People, Spin_, and_ Entertainment Weekly_ all in the same week.

The tour was massive. Eight-six shows in Canada and the U.S., plus nearly thirty overseas. They were on the road for a year. It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that Righteous Road was one of the ten best world tours in the history of music. The band was tight as hell. Dean was grounded, Sam was relaxed, Cas fit in as if he'd been there from the start, and Gabe was a monster on the drums and charming as the devil off them. A series of rituals developed as the tour went on. Cas always put a hand on Dean's left shoulder before Dean stepped up to the mic. Gabe never came on stage without a lollipop in his mouth. Whenever they played "Past Lives," Sam would turn his back on the crowd.

The album's theme, apocalypse, drew endless questions about metaphor, about the meaning and relevance of each track, about Dean's addiction and Sam and Dean's relationship and about their family history. In London, Cas and Dean gave an interview to NME and when reporter Liv Davies asked Dean, "So, are you the Righteous Man?" Dean answered, "No," just as Cas said, "Yes."

They came back to the States exhausted and announced they were taking some time off before starting a new album. Dean bought a ranch in Texas. Gabe went to L.A. and starred in a series of commercials for Pepsi. Cas went on retreat to India, stating the need to ground himself. Sam went to London to work on his solo project.

In London he met Ruby Cassidy.


	5. Chapter 5

Ruby's career was on the rise when she met Sam at a party in the Automat Club. People were calling her the new Bjork, though her sound was definitely more accessible. "Katy Perry, but weirder," was the tagline of _NME_'s review of her debut album, _Not Like Them (I Remember)_. It's difficult to be fair, given everything that happened, but I still think that she had genuine talent. Her voice was pure power, and though she knew how to shape a hook, her songs weren't just empty words.

There was enough to her to catch Sam's attention. They were spotted a few times by paparazzi in various London clubs, and then out together walking her two enormous dogs, and then her publicist let slip that they were working together on an album.

The news wasn't popular among Free Will fans to say the least. There was a lot of reposting of Dean's interview with Spin wherein he trashed the whole pop-rock genre, especially the quote, "Just play the music, man. Do you want them talking about your song or your fucking shoes?" That one got plastered over a photo of Sam and Ruby attending a movie opening, Ruby in a pair of Alexander McQueens that brought her nearly up to Sam's shoulder.

_Lucifer Rising_, their collaborative project, was a surprise to everyone. For one, it was good. Really good. It was also weird and dark and angry. Sam, who'd sung backup on maybe ten songs in the whole of Free Will's discography, was front and center for most of_ Lucifer,_ other than "It Always Had To Be You" and "Girl in the Trunk of a Car," both sung solo by Ruby. Three of the songs are duets, including "You Think You Know the Cost," a call and response wherein Sam sings a man going slowly insane, and Ruby his fading reason. The title of the album drew some criticism, given _Righteous Man_'s biblical feel. There was some feeling that Ruby had pushed for the name to leverage Free Will's success. Sam was outspoken about being the one who'd chosen the name, though, and given the quality and the sheer radical departure from his Free Will writing that _Lucifer_ represented, those complaints died on all but the most rabid Free Will message boards and blogs.

Sam won two Grammys that year, Best Alternative Music Album with Ruby, and Best Rock Song with Free Will, for "Smoke and Wings." There is a picture from an afterparty, Ruby hanging off Sam, both of them laughing, and Dean standing off to the side with a stiff, unhappy smile on his face. Cas stands in the background, looking solemnly at Dean, and Gabriel is sneering expressively into his brimming tumbler of whiskey beside Cas, one arm around a supermodel.

Ruby moved to the States and she and Sam bought a house in L.A. Free Will reassembled and began work on _Looking in the Wrong Direction._

It was about then that Sam started getting letters from Nicholas Heylel.


	6. Chapter 6

Heylel was a construction worker from Tucson whose wife and infant daughter were killed in a home invasion three months before the release of_Lucifer Rising_. Heylel became obsessed with the album, thinking that it was filled with secret messages just for him. You can track the arc of his mental break through the history of his posts on various Free Will message boards. Free Willing, the second largest board, was the last to ban him and has the most complete record. His posts begin with fairly typical, if greatly enthusiastic, praise for the album, and end with him proclaiming that he and Sam had a 'great destiny' that they had to follow together, that Sam was "created for me by fate and God and every fallen angel." He signed all his posts with 'Lucifer.' He signed his letters to Sam the same way.

In the summer of 2010, while Free Will worked on _Direction,_ Heylel moved to L.A., got a job, and began stalking Sam. He was arrested three times for trespassing, once accosted Ruby on the street and told her that she was supposed to 'bring Sam to me.' Sam got a restraining order. Heylel violated it, coming up to Sam and Ruby as they exited a store on Robertson and taking Ruby's arm. Sam punched him in the face. Heylel rubbed his hand in his own blood and grabbed Sam by the throat. The picture of Sam, haggard and pale, with a bloody handprint wrapped around his neck, was everywhere. Heylel went to jail for six months, Sam beefed up his personal security, and everyone tried to put it behind them.

At this point, Sam and Ruby had become a fixture in the L.A. party scene. Dean was polite to and about Ruby in public, though there were rumours of friction behind the scenes. Sam lobbied briefly to have her work on the album and she even spent a day in the studio. It never went further than that, however. Ruby referred to Cas and Gabe as "stuck up pricks" in a tweet a few weeks later, and though she never spoke about Dean less than respectfully in public, Free Will fans started calling her 'Yoko.'

It didn't help that Sam was starting to look rough all the time. His publicist blamed stress and Heylel's harassment, but Sam only got worse, even after Heylel was put away. Perez Hilton posted a story claiming that Ruby had been seen at a club snorting cocaine in the bathroom. The parties at Sam's house were legendary and lasted whole weekends.

Sam still put his heart and soul into writing for _Direction_, though, and they finished it in four months. It didn't have quite the sales that_ Righteous Man_ boasted, but it was still a monster. The tour was even bigger, a hundred and twenty-seven dates, with concerts in China and Australia. The name, No Maps, was Gabe's idea. "Cuz I never know where the fuck we're going," he said at the press conference, grinning around a stick of licorice.

Ruby stayed behind in the States, though she flew to London for the show they played at the O2 Arena. Sam and Gabe had a huge blow-out backstage after the concert, a fight that was reported as 'touring stress' and 'creative differences' at the time but which Gabe later stated was over the fact that Ruby had brought cocaine and heroin into the green room. Dean and Cas had to separate them. In Munich, Sam was late getting on stage. In Sydney, he and Dean were visibly angry with one another, though they didn't let it affect the show. They seemed to have patched things up by the time they reached Hong Kong.

When they came home, though, it was obvious that not all was well. Ruby welcomed Sam back with a private party at Hyde Lounge that none of the other band members attended. Dean left immediately for his ranch, and this time Cas went with him. Gabe dated a series of supermodels and refused to talk about Free Will at all. Sam got more and more strung out looking and he and Ruby were almost never seen apart. It was a spiral too obvious to mistake.

When Sam was arrested for possession of heroin it surprised no one.


	7. Chapter 7

Sam went into court mandated rehab, came out, started using again. Dean and Cas and Singer had an intervention, which didn't work. Ruby and Dean had a screaming fight at Sam and Ruby's place that ended when she called the cops and had him escorted off the property. The following week Dean punched Sam outside a club in West Hollywood, and then Sam punched Dean and the two of them proceeded to break the club door and lay out two bouncers before the police arrived. Sam walked away. Dean went to the hospital with a busted collarbone and a broken nose. No charges were laid but, just a few days after, Sam's publicist announced that Sam had left the Singer agency and signed on with Rogue, the agency that managed Ruby.

Gabe left to reunite with Trickster. Cas went to India and spent three months at the Tushita Meditation Center. Dean became reclusive, holing up in an apartment and refusing interviews.

Free Will fans went into mourning.

During all this, Nick Heylel was released from prison. He got a job, attended regular sessions with a therapist, and, by all accounts, seemed to be putting his life back in order.

On the evening of May 13, 2010, Ruby and Sam overdosed on heroin in the living room of their rented house. At some point after, Sam called Dean. Dean arrived at the house close to 11 pm, entered using a key Sam had given him, and found Heylel in the process of breaking in. Heylel had a bat and a set of brass knuckles. He would have beat Dean to death if Sam had not dragged himself into the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and put it into Heylel's back. He dialled 911, slurred out the situation to the operator, and then fell unconscious.

They almost died that night, the Winchesters. Ruby did die, pronounced DOA at the hospital. Dean spent two weeks in the ICU, Sam spent two months at Crossroads.

And afterward, things were never the same.


	8. Chapter 8

Dean dropped out of the public eye, keeping to his estate in Texas. Former FW drummer Lisa Braeden lived with him for a while, and People magazine kept a vigilant watch on her left hand but to no avail. Cas sat in on a number of classical records, 'favours for old friends' as he referred to it. "Maybe I can shake them up a bit," he told _Rolling Stone_ with that characteristic not-quite-smile of his. "Give them some new ideas." Gabe began running his mouth about the Ruby era to anyone who would listen. Paul Stenning released the inevitable unauthorised biography of the band, _Making It Up As We Go, the Free Will Story._

Sam made a series of solo albums, _Cage, Soulless_, and _Brotherly Love,_ difficult and gorgeous and clinical albums that the critics raved over but never sold quite as well. He shrugged off questions about sales. "I never wanted all that super fame, people screaming my name, all that shit. That was Dean's dream, him and our dad. I just wanted to play, you know?" He toured once, playing smaller venues and doing surprise drop ins on small clubs. Bootleg recordings of these shows are the only places you can hear many of the songs he worked on during this time, songs that never made the cut for the albums. In Cincinnati, at Bogart's, he did an acoustic version of "Past Lives." There's a number of shaky camera videos of it, you can find them on youtube easily enough. "For my brother," he says, and then drops his head over his guitar and barely raises it again.

Dean showed up at the release party for _Brotherly Love_, lean and tanned and healthy looking, smiling his same grin for the cameras. We know now, of course, that he's the uncredited second guitar on the last three tracks on Love, but that was very much under the radar at the time. The brothers didn't seem eager to announce their artistic reconciliation to the media, and it was a tenuous thing, in any case. Dean kept making noise about 'the next Free Will album,' but when asked about it, Sam only smiled noncommittally and talked about his other commitments.

In the fall of that year, Virgin Records released a compilation album, all their greatest hits from Hard Road onward. Cas, Sam, even Gabe showed up to the release party, and they did a group interview for _People,_ a slightly chilly but perfectly polite cooke cutter reminiscence about their days on the road that tiptoed around the subjects of addiction, Ruby, or any further Free Will projects. In the photo attached to the article, Dean is on one end of a black couch and Sam on the other. Cas sits on the floor between them. Gabe is slouched against the back. They don't look like a band.

In the wake of the album, all the old stories about Zhel and the Lost Album and John's death were recycled again. Zhel had been sold twice, and was now under the umbrella of Crossroads Entertainment, the media conglomerate owned by Liam Crowley. Singer had negotiated briefly with Crowley about the Lost Album, but nothing had come of it. Nothing would have come of the resurgence in interest this time, either, if it weren't for a throwaway comment Sam made to a blogger fan after a show. "It's a damn shame," he said. "Those songs were some of Dean's best writing."

It was a bit of a shock to the fan base. "Dean's voice, Sammy's words" had been the motto for Free Will since the beginning. Dean had written the Lost Album? The message boards went crazy, people bemoaning the cruelty of Big Entertainment, that we would never get to hear Dean's 'best writing.'

As it turned out, the fans weren't the only ones who thought it was unjust.


	9. Chapter 9

As Sam continued with his solo career, Cas began to take his spot by Dean's side. They were seen at parties and premieres and clubs, laughing together, in each other's space, sharing a cab. Rumors abounded that they'd finally acted on the long-running tension that had been the subject of much speculation. Cas had never had a girlfriend, or boyfriend, while a member of Free Will. There'd been the handsome British cellist, Balthazar Todd, who had been particularly handsy at a concert in which they'd both performed, but no confirmed attachments. A tabloid printed pictures of them at Dean's ranch, blurry long-distance shots of them eating on the deck. Bobby Singer tracked down the photographer and had him charged with trespassing.

All of this only made it the more shocking when Perez Hilton posted a picture of Cas and Crowley standing together at a Grammy afterparty, Crowley's hand on Cas's sleeve, with some puerile blurb about Cas' always-ambiguous sexuality. "I am not currently dating Liam Crowley, nor am I leaving the Singer Music Agency," was his response to a deluge of questions from both media and fans. "As if Cas would get into bed with that douchebag," Dean tweeted. "In either sense."

Two weeks later, audiooffreewill, a longtime fan in L.A., tweeted a picture link of a single sheet of paper. A call sheet from Crossroads Entertainment, reserving studio time for the remastering of archive item #2433, which, as everyone knew from the scant information available from the Zhel days, was the file number of the Lost Album.

Twitter exploded. The music blogs exploded. Free Will message boards went nuclear. The picture of Cas and Crowley was everywhere, and the official press release from Crossroads was vague in the extreme, talking about 'necessary maintenance of archive materials.' audiooffreewill tweeted twice more and then went radio silent. "It's legit, from a Xroads employee, not syng who don't want 'em to lose their job." "Don't know anythng about Cas, all I got is a paper peeps." The riot of speculation went on for two days, and then Crossroads released a second press package. There was a lot of fluff about 'the heritage of this great band' and 'synergy of the moment' but the basic gist was this: the Lost Album was going to be released, with archival photos and other material from that time period.

And Castiel Novak had partnered with Crossroads to produce it.

Fallout was immediate and divisive. The message boards and fansites were polarized between Cas supporters who wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, and die-hard old-school fans who vilified him for his 'betrayal'. Those in the middle whose focus was, "Can't we just be happy that we are finally getting the album?" were shouted down by both sides.

Worse news followed. Dean and Sam hired a lawyer to try and stop the release of the album. Crowley grinned at the cameras and spouted about how "the boys were getting their fair cut," and "really, given John Winchester's original contract with Zhel, they're lucky they're getting a dime." Cas was seen once at a cafe, looking pale and tired and hunted, and then went into isolation. Dean went radio silent on social media. Sam released a public statement on both his and Dean's behalf, a terse, PR blurb about unfortunate circumstances and hoping they could resolve things amicably.

The court case dragged on for months, while Cas took a beating in the media and refused to give interviews or tell his side of the story. Dean and Sam were suddenly together everywhere, looking grim and torn up, Dean especially. Gabe and Rufus and nearly everyone from Free WIll's past popped up to talk to People or Rolling Stone or even the rags about Cas and Dean, and the band's history. Jo Harvelle and Ash were the exceptions, and the ones that reporters were most eager to nail down. They'd_played_ on the Lost Album. But Jo was retired from the business, running a bar in Nebraska with her mom, and profoundly uninterested in raking over the coals of her once-fame. Ash had up and vanished, literally. Damon Zhel had died of liver failure in 2009, John Winchester of course was answering no questions. All the mystery around the Lost Album remained, which only drove people more crazy.

Sam and Dean lost the court case in the end. The Lost Album was released on May 6, 2011. And nearly all our questions were answered.


End file.
